So Valentine’s is coming up and the advertisements are all around to let us know. I myself was bombarded by Valentine’s day when I went into my local Tesco to buy some hot chocolate. I went to the aisle where I normally find it and that’s when I realised that the whole of the opposite aisle had been turned into an aisle for Valentine’s. Afterwards, I found myself thinking about Valentine’s with complete peace regarding my singleness.
Sometimes, we forget that we have improved in an area until we’re confronted with that which would have previously bothered us. I remember thinking “Huh? I’m in peace, I used to struggle with this”. I was surprised by my hopeful expectancy regarding my future season whilst being content with my present one. I remember in 2011 Valentine’s, I based my whole entire identity on having a Valentine. I thought I had made it in life and I remember basing my worth and value from that. Little did I know that I was a broken girl who couldn’t see how I used relationships to fill my emptiness. Fast forward 2 years and a couple heartbreaks later, I was completely discontent around the Valentine season. I didn’t have one so I threw myself the biggest pity party. Like any pity party, only myself and the enemy’s lies were invited. I reminisced on past relationships with Aaliyah and Adele on repeat and I just spent half of the day in bed. The Valentine’s season often has a way of tugging on wounds that have not been dealt with. Even though I’m completely not at that place now, I definitely know what it feels like to feel down around the season or even worse to be tempted to compromise due to loneliness.
It can be so tempting to compromise – Especially when your love life feels like a deserted cowboy scene with tumbleweed blowing in the background. I hear people say “It’s not even that deep, just go on a date”. You are honestly expected to just grab anyone (as if people are objects you can just pluck from the sky) and give them an amount of energy and time that you wouldn’t do otherwise all for the sake of not being alone on the day. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with going out on a date to get to know someone. That’s great. But don’t now give your time, energy, heart and more to an individual you know you don’t need to get to know like that. Someone you know simply just wants to push your boundaries. Someone who is unequally yoked and cannot be an adequate head/helper for you. Someone who minus the influence of loneliness and this season, you wouldn’t pursue.
If you are tempted to compromise, it might be because you are lonely but another person was never created to satisfy your loneliness. You are to be absolutely complete in Christ, nothing missing nothing broken. What we like to do as humans is instead of pursuing healing for our brokenness, we attempt to use people and situations as temporary plasters. The problem with this, is that these things just temporarily hold our pieces together and when these plasters fall off, their ability to hold us together falls off with it. We then end up feeling even more broken than before which creates an even deeper wound; A wound mixed with deferred hope, infection and pain.
No matter what you’ve been told in this period, whether it be by friends, family or even fellow believers, you don’t have to compromise in order to feel loved and accepted. You don’t have to compromise in order to feel like society’s version of a man or a woman. You don’t have to compromise in order to get rid of that lonely feeling and you certainly shouldn’t compromise in order to feel wanted.
“But Della, what if I’ve already made the plans I know I shouldn’t have made?” Listen, it’s OK to cancel. It’s OK to change your mind, even if you’ve already arrived at the destination. Even if you’re already with the individual- Your soul, your body and your spirit are too valuable for you to compromise. “But Della all my guys/girls are going to be with someone, I don’t want to be the odd one out.” Do you wish to live your life for the audience of One or for the audience of many? Do you desire to make decisions in a godly manner based on purpose or do you desire to make decisions based on pain? If it’s not that season, it’s not that season. Once again, I am not talking about using Valentine’s as an opportunity to get to know an individual that could potentially be God’s will for your life. What I am talking about in this blog is building love connections based on carnal reasoning which in turn lead to carnal outcomes.
Galatians 6:8 For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life.
I know all the temptations that the season brings. The thought of unblocking someone you blocked for good reason. The thought of direct messaging someone just to have someone else to talk to. Going through your phone list seeing who you can call. Dropping the boundaries surrounding your being, just so that someone can make you feel special. But is it really worth going through the process of trying to get rid of a persons’ imprint on your soul? Trying to get them off your mind again?
Love and Holiness go hand in hand and I want to share something that I meditate on whenever I get tempted to drop God’s standard.
The command to love God– God is a holy God who created you to live your life according to His ways. The Bible says that we show our love for Him by obeying His commandments (John 14:15). It might not always feel good obeying them, often it can feel excruciating but they are for our protection. Just like He is your context for life, God is also your context for safety.
The command to love yourself– You are an amazing individual who really will add to someone’s happiness and joy one day. As you become your God ordained self you will attract an individual suited for you. God’s best for you will not be someone that you have to lower your standard to attract or to keep. They will be drawn to you as they’ll love the One you are conforming to. You are gift and because you are a gift, your body, soul and spirit are too precious for you to give yourself to just anyone for any reason. Jesus determined you as worth obeying God’s standards for, even unto death. Don’t settle for anything less.
The command to love others– Not only are you loved by God but God equally loves that other person. One thing that has helped me anytime I’ve ever been tempted to compromise besides the first two points is my love for another individual. It is not fair to use someone else to fulfill needs that are only to be fulfilled by God. It is a misuse of that person’s being. They may not be perfect but they were not made to heal your brokenness and they definitely don’t deserve to be used.
Listen if this season is making you feel empty… Seek God for wholeness and clarity as to why. Tell a trusted friend about your inner turmoils and perhaps make some alternative plans with a group of friends this Valentine’s. Most importantly don’t let your emotions lead you to act out of Love and/or Holiness.
Love you lots,